Editor's note*: We recently began to receive notes sent by "The Fixer," whose fiery but brilliant opinions aim to improve sports. This time, he takes a swing at golf.
*Editor's-note note: This letter is fake news. But if all news is fake news, then fake news is news.
Dear ESPN The Magazine, I mean, The Fixer's Monthly Newsletter,
Boy, golf people are so stuffy. You dent one green by dropping a pounder can of Natty Ice that your cousin Murph lobbed at you, and you're banned for life. Geez, chill out, people. But good news: I took Dr. Phil's advice, and I'm channeling my anger into these three ways to make the PGA great again!
1. Mulligans 4 sale
Tiger hits a terrible tee shot? Spieth splashes an iron into the pond? It's all good, man! Cuz now they can buy one mulligan per tournament, at $10K apiece. And then... ? They put all that money into a pool for the tourney's highest-scoring player who did NOT buy a do-over. If all 150ish players in the field use it? That pot's $1.5M, baybee... or about the average purse for PGA tournament winners. Imagine the freakin' mayhem... !!! Say the leader hasn't used his mulligan, needs par to win, drives it into the trees and might have a shot at the green -- but on the tee, has to quickly decide (we give everybody 10 seconds to pick; golf's too long, BTW) if he thinks he can still make par without burning his $10K free pass, thereby doubling his take?!?!?)
2. Meet the PGA Justice League
Remember the good ol' days of the PGA Grand Slam of Golf, that Silly Season cash-grab where the winners of the four majors all played off for a big ol' pile of money? Yeah... I miss watchin' it in my garage, back when I was workin' on building my own Hubble Telescope (BRING BACK PLUTO, NASA!!!) out of used Chevelle parts. So... let's bring 'er back, but BETTER, with a one-day tourney at the end of the season open to every major winner ever -- but ONLY major winners. Soooo yeah, Nicklaus paired with Tiger, John Daly and Brooks Koepka? Sold! Winner pockets $5M too.
3. Add a 19th hole to every course
You know those one-shot holes at the end of every mini golf course where a hole-in-one wins you a free round? Bam, we're freakin' adding a crazy mini golf hole at the end of every course -- windmills, ramps, jumps, clown mouths, all the cool stuff! They play it at the end of every round! Any golfer who sinks the damn-near-impossible shot gets to... RE-PLAY ANY HOLE FROM THAT ROUND! The catch? You keep the redo, even if it's a worse score.
Welp, another day, another sport saved!
* Get teed off at The Open Championship starting July 18 (1:30 a.m. ET, Golf Channel).